Meaning of Life
My health seems to be failing of late.
Now a days I don’t feel good about almost anything. A bizarre feeling that something is missing somewhere always sticks in my mind. It happens as I don’t have much commitment
and obligations. Some unknown dissatisfaction sticks in my mind.
Very often, I wake up at dead night for no plausible reason. Having strolled for sometimes, I stand by the open window to breathe fresh air. Desolate mid night road gives rise a sense of emptiness in me. A muffled sound of wail comes out of my thorax.
All routine affairs appear to be useless. I don’t have any cognizable problem, then why this dissatisfaction. Having had a full career in govt. job I fulfilled my worldly duties like raising children or building house quite successfully, then why is this feeling?
Now a days, I miss my ancestral home where my innocent childhood lurks. My inner self wrenches in a vacuum.
‘Mehers’ Lodge’ is my ancestral home, named after our family father. It is built on a wide open area amidst evergreen trees all around. It’s a two storied building surrounded by chest high balcony. A kitchen with adjacent dining space, one bed room and a guest room are on the ground floor. A big size bed room with attached bath and a small kitchen with pantry are built at the middle on the roof keeping open all around.
The house mostly remains under lock and key.
I spent almost my whole life outside in alien cities for earning my living. Commitments and workloads kept me busy all through. City lives are full of activities and keep people busy all the time. Everyone in the city are on the move, busy for work and making business contact. Moving forward and going up the ladder is the meaning of life there.
For me, all those are past. Now I have plenty of leisure time, I try to reflect over my past life and feel an urge of taking stock of life- what I dreamed and what I got.
But, alas! All seem to be in shamble. What I planned and what I have achieved don’t tally. Still I have miles to go I feel. But my time is running out fast.
A sense of un-fulfillment gradually instills in me.
So, I decided to fall back to my root that is my ancestral home then in that full fury of monsoon rain.
The sky was totally overcast with sporadic gusty wind. Continuous thunder with lightning flash streaked across the sky. All were set for the rainy season to set in with full strength.
-The aura suits me, I thought. -This time I am prepared to feel the full force of rain sitting in desolate ‘Mehers’ Lodge’. It’s a perfect ambience to sit in meditation to feel and dip into
It was late noon as I reached home.
Lonely ‘Mehers’ Lodge’ stands amidst mahogany orchard on three sides with a ill-kept green grass lawn in front.
Normally I stay upstairs whenever I come. A bed room sits at the center of the spacious roof having waist high steel railing fixed all around the edges of the roof.
This visit is after about nine months gap. Me and my boy servant started dusting and cleaning the room for night stay.
It’s an old time building, the roof is higher than typical one storied building. Besides, the house is built on a five feet high floor, so, in that comparison, one story roof is minimum one and half story high. Mahogany tree branches, adorned with fresh green leaves are fluttering in sporadic gust signaling the imminent rain. Someone can easily touch the branches standing at the edge of the roof.
It’s almost dark in early afternoon with black cloud covering the sky. Electric current goes off.
Stage is set for a fury and frenzy of nature, waiting only for an inkling.
-I’m also prepared. I told myself.
-You may go placing the easy chair on the balcony.
Even if I don’t specify, I know that my boy servant will place the chair on the western balcony of the ground floor.
Normally I sit there. About five feet high and seven feet wide balcony surrounds the building on three sides less the front which has six long stairs whole lengthwise. Balconies are
covered with slanting roof like single frame thatched house with bangla tiles engraved on it. Once seated on that balcony, I can see the long narrow metaled road rolling to the
horizon through my front boundary gate.
I feel I can see the world sitting here.
Going down and climbing the stairs has become taxing for me. There is a strong desire but my legs seem reluctant.
-But no, I have to go down, come what may. I trundled down twenty one steps counting each and slumped into the chair.
Lying relaxed, totally outfoxed, opening all niches & door
No race for silver mace, no reverie no more.
Me- body and mind all
immersed in biding your arrival.
Incessant rain making monotonous sound with rain water gushing out all around, branches shaking in the gust, the spectacle of sight and rhythmic sound has made the mute nature talking. All are busy expressing themselves.
Whatever is old and worn-out and all dirt are washed away with rain water. All seems busy to avail this chance to give vent to all pent-up feelings, washing away all woes and worries
and start all over again.
All are immersed in the melody of music created by unending dropping of rain.
But, Alas! why all sounds seem like crying. I rivet my attention rapt to take a close hearing.
The sound of crying is not coming out of a single voice! The sounds are coiling out from multiple sources.
All are crying separately in own way and own tune. Lyrics are different but music is same.
All are crooning. Total reign of melancholy.
I turn my attention on my thorax.
Same music, same cry.
Why this cry, what for is this cry?
Sporadic gusty wind brought rain drops and sprinkled on my face. Ah, it’s heavenly. Suddenly I felt some soft and loving touch on my face, forehead and cheek. It’s enchanting and mesmerizing. My eyes got closed rendering me in a state of trance.
I smelt an exotic aroma. I woke up in my trance, felt a bit disturbed.
With a strain of annoyance, I tried to open my eyes.
Wow, something exquisite. Some extraterrestrial heavenly deity incarnate right in front of me. It is so intoxicating, not possible even to take a blink.
I felt goose bumps all over my body. I fell in love at first sight and forgot to close my eyes.
What a magical love! Love between Heaven and Earth.
We are on a boat- only me and my heavenly love. Our boat is moving through a river, flowing through serpentine turns and twists. No boatman no oar, the boat moves with the slow and steady flow of the river.
We are moving- where and why I really don’t know. My only urge is to satisfy the heavenly love.
My eyes are riveted on her. All my thoughts and yearnings are only relating her and for her only. But she has fixed her attention only towards the horizon betraying no feelings
whatsoever. But everything of her has an enticing attraction.
Sun dipped in the horizon, moon popped up dispelling the darkness. Boat docked at so many known and unknown berth. I kept her all along grasped in my bosom and did
everything in my power to please my heavenly love.
I took you onboard through day and night and all twilight zone road.
Spending overboard, exhausting all my hoard.
But she did not turn towards me for a moment nor even gesticulated anything. I hoarded my boat with as much treasure as I could gather with one hope in mind- to please
my heavenly love.
Journeyed pole to pole, trekking through plain, hill and knoll
For you, collected to my best, not caring about vice and virtue test.
Never heeded, I’m wretched,
“What you wanted and what I fetched”.
I am totally exhausted and about to lose my physical strength. I can’t even move an inch forward and there is no way to recede and almost unable to move my eyelid. My own self
seem burden to me. I tried to push open my eyelids with last drop of my strength.
All are blurred but felt her presence. What an attraction, what an exponential pull. None can ignore it.
Suddenly gentle breeze started flowing into my face bringing some mesmerizing aroma.
I understood that our boat having toured thousands river now is at last at the confluence of meeting the ocean.
Now is the time of consummating mating, total fusion. What a moment! I hear my own heart beat.
In my thorax, you throb and sit, with all your kit,
Crooning ceaseless dit, with every beat.
“Let’s return my love, where you will ever bide.
Here in this cage, whatever you chase;
All are mirage, elusive and maze.
Your abode isn’t here Honey; it’s on the other side’.
This fusion will bring all mundane agony, all pang of unrealized dream to an end. I could feel that she is turning her face. Ah! this is that ever-sought juncture for knowing the
meaning of all these venture.
I tried my best to take a look at her eyes. Ah! what a moment of fulfillment. But alas! darkness is engulfed everything and I fell in swoon.
Tangled in tug of war since birth, between Heaven and Earth
To live better, here and after, all I did-vile or virtue
Only to run their chore, to be sure and true.
I failed to pay proper fealty to you all, wasting my works in total.
Heaven and Earth will take their worth, leaving only me mortal.
Woe to me, now I see, alone I’m left out to me, here
Heaven and Earth, in respective berth, content with own share.
Oh my Soul! Lord’s mole, you are part of Paradise
And will go back, sans any smack of vice.
Earth will take its part and fill up its dirt.
Alas! Who am I and why here, nobody put that bare.
Now, in glance of Grim Reaper, trying to sum and shiver
What He desired and what I delivered.
Col. Meher Mohabbat Hossain (Retd.)
I had a long career in Army. I was trained to follow orders, instructions and set rules, taking those as axiomatic. That strayed me a bit from free thinking as happens with all technology users. Basically I am a free thinker always and now in search of some basic truth in my own way. ([email protected]).